Mixed Emotions

This evening took a bit of a toll on my emotions. And honestly, the why? is beyond me.

For the last few weekends my wonderful boyfriend has been staying thru Sunday night and we leave together Monday morning. He hasn't been doing this very long, but I've grown to like it quite a bit.

This weekend, however, was different. I expected him to leave this morning to go visit his father, but when we stayed for breakfast then stayed throughout the afternoon I assumed, wrongly, that he was going to stay until tomorrow morning.

We mentined going to a movie which I vetoed because I'm weird about Sunday afternoon/evenings and like to be preparred for Mondays although I already was. I had asked him if he was planning on going to his father's and he said no, not really planning much on it so I figured he was going to stay.

A little later when he said he was going back up to his apartment tonight I was kind of crushed. I mean, true, neither of us had slept well the last few nights and a good night's sleep would be good, but I wasn't expecting that at all.

So, what did I do? I told him he may as well go now. And he did. I was completely horrible and refused to hug him or anything. Why? I don't know. I guess I do know a bit, because if he had stayed all I would have thought about is he has to leave soon. So part of me said fine, go and the other part of me said no, please come back and just hold me. Please.

With tears in my eyes watching him leave, I was trying to telepathically tell him to please come back. I wanted to hug him tight and still do. NOW. I keep thinking, what if something happens between now and Saturday when I get to see him? What if I can't hug him again? What the hell is wrong with me that I do this?

I know that he reads here occasionally, and Andrew, baby if you do read this, know that I love you and can't wait to hug you. I am so, so sorry I told you to just go. I never mean it when I say it.